a kind asshole

im having such a great deal of inner turmoil that i've actually grown tired of thinking. right now i'm just doing what i feel is right for me without any meditation on how things will work out in the end. sort of acting completely on impulse.

like all things, what i'm feeling is grey. its good but theres something bad about it. or its wrong but it can also be seen as right. you get the picture...

i hurt someone very deeply, out of doing what was right for the both of us. of course in the process i was injured as well, but i guess it was a sort of weighing it out or choosing the lesser evil. its also not my fault, or atleast i'd like to think that, that everything is happening so fast. for here i am now having a very good reason to be happy, just in the span of two weeks. but still i have this aching feeling that i should be apologizing for it. but then again, why in the hell should i?

i guess its no use arguing with myself about this. somethings telling me that i should actually be enjoying this. for what its worth, atleast i'm living my life. trying to survive the burdens that comes with decisions.

thus i have made another decision, one that probably has been made even before i started to write this today. and thats to not look back anymore, show a little more backbone against false guilt, and to show more faith. for other people can very well take care of themselves, i was just an obstacle in their life. and without me being an asshole, they probably wouldn't have learned the things they did.

"the only way for me to know if i truly love you, is for me to know that you don't"

Moving on...

i decided to completely erase my last blog. i guess too many people found out about it, and seeing just how personal the stuff that i had written there was, i kinda freaked out. i felt too uneasy with the thought of people i hardly know, or some i didnt know at all, seeing me in my most vunerable state. sometimes you atleast have to have a sort of defense against the outside. and anyway, i also have another reason. as the title says, i'm moving on. and i say its probably about time. i should be way past my "obsession with heartache" , as my uncle would say, by now. though that doesn't mean that i wont be going back to it once in a while, that'd be impossible not to. but i sure wont dwell on it as much as i did before. theres just so much more things to worry about. with me graduating, hopefully, soon and my teenage years becoming more distant as its being gobbled up by the horizon day by day, its only fitting that i should be, or more like i want to be able to see more of what this world has to offer. i admit that its not gonna happen overnight, but i'll get there. so heres to the start of something new, i just hope it'll still be fresh if ever i find whatever it is im searching for...

"an idle mind is the devil's playground"

like a coin
rolled down
from the first step,
left alone
to touch
every stair
on its way down.
its noise
grows louder
as it echoes
deeper.
until although
its sight is lost,
it does not matter.
its sound is enough
to hold you
where it wants
you to be,
that is:
in surrender
as you close
your eyes.
while your vision
is left in the dark,
you follow that sound
and see
it rolling down
with your mind's eye.
you can choose
to hide your ears,
but it is always...
always too late.
that sound
becomes a noise
inside the depths
of you,
with it
you dream
asleep
or awake.
lost
in lust.